


Lavellan's journal, 9:45 Dragon

by 49percentchanceofbees



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Diary/Journal, F/M, Internal Conflict, Internal Monologue, Post-Canon, Post-Game(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-09
Updated: 2017-08-09
Packaged: 2019-02-07 15:33:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12844179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/49percentchanceofbees/pseuds/49percentchanceofbees
Summary: A glimpse into Lavellan's journal as she tries to process and come to terms with the events and revelations of Trespasser.





	Lavellan's journal, 9:45 Dragon

**Author's Note:**

> Isn't writing in first person supposed to be like the cardinal sin of fanfic or something
> 
> Anyway I wrote this shortly after I finished Trespasser. I may have gotten the date wrong? I made it a little later than I thought truly accurate just in case. Maybe Lavellan's been thinking about this for _a while_
> 
> [read on deviantart](https://argetl.deviantart.com/art/Lavellan-s-journal-9-45-Dragon-697774323)

I keep thinking about the fact that if you had asked me the day before the Conclave—or the first day of the Inquisition—if I would destroy this world to restore the ancient elves, I would not have hesitated to say yes. Ironically it was Solas himself who changed my mind. I had … Growing up with the Dalish, I idolized the ancient elves. I was so sure that their world had been perfect, beautiful and eternal and sublime, cruelly crushed by Tevinter … When Solas told me my _vallaslin_ were slave markings, it tore the foundation out of my world. If the ancient elves kept slaves, if they were no better than the Imperium that succeeded them -- if the Dalish were, as Sera once said, just putting on what we thought were the ancient ways like fancy-dress, not actually knowing anything … I wanted to tell them. I wanted to tell every single Dalish elf in Thedas what Solas had just told me. But I didn’t let him wipe away my _vallaslin_. I knew instantly how it would look, as if I were ashamed to be Dalish, and even if we were wrong, I’m not ashamed. At least we tried. I told Solas once that he should have shared what he knew of our history with the Dalish, and he said we wouldn’t listen. I know I would not have, if this flat-ear mage had wandered up out of the wilds and told me immediately that everything I knew was wrong. Ah, the irony continues: if he had told me the truth from the first, I never would have trusted him. I can see how it would be easier for a Dalish mind to believe Fen’Harel was trying to lead them astray.

He could have told me later, though. Once I knew him, or thought I did. At least he could have told me … 

Sometimes I still wonder about that choice. Raze Thedas so the elves may rise … Once I would have swept aside the shem cities and nations without a second thought. Now, I have seen that, while the world of the ancient elves held many wonders, so does this one. Now I’ve seen that kindness and compassion and worthiness are not exclusive to elves. Many others deserve my respect and my friendship.

I think about Sera sometimes. She probably would not be particularly pleased to find that in my mind, she serves as a foil to Solas’ voice. Or perhaps she would. I don’t intend to ask her. When I first met Sera, I thought her short-sighted and self-centered to ignore our people’s history. But I think I understand better now. Just because Sera happened to be born with a pair of pointed ears doesn’t make me kin to her. It doesn’t mean anything. Doesn’t make her an archer, or poor, or funny, or herself. Solas asked me once if it’s the physical form that means something -- if Cassandra was defined by her cheekbones and not her courage. Sera isn’t defined by her ears. Making her out to be my friend because we’re both elves does her just as much a disservice as any alienage. She just wants to be taken for herself, elf or human. Solas told me that he was tired of being seen as another pair of pointed ears.

He wants to restore his people, but that means erasing today’s elves, just as he would have erased my _vallaslin_. When I was named Inquisitor, I said I would do it for the elves -- but not just for the Dalish, or the elves who would like to be Dalish, if they’d been born under different circumstances. I wanted to help all of my people, even those who did not like me, even those who -- like Sera -- would spit at the very notion that they were my people. I’ve realized that helping them includes allowing them to turn their backs on me. I want the elves of Thedas to be free to be Dalish or follow the Chantry -- to be free to choose their own fates according to their own wishes. Sometimes, those wishes may oppose what I believe, but it’s the right to choose that I fight for, not to make everyone Dalish. Sometimes I wonder if I may even still call myself Dalish, if the Dalish are so mistaken. And if my clan is gone … When I heard that news, I threw myself into my work with the Inquisition. I made a new family here. I did not chase elaborate schemes to bring them back …

Can’t you see that what you’re fighting for is gone? You may destroy this world, but it will not bring back the ancient elves you once knew. We would not know how to be those elves again. The wonders of the old days are gone. You cannot piece back together the _eluvians_ shattered or the libraries lost. You would have to rebuild them anyway. Why can’t you rebuild them in this world, as it is? I would be the first in line to help you. Let us tell the Dalish what they’re missing. Let us stop piecing together our history in the shadows and bring it into the light. Many of them would not believe us, I am aware. But they would have the choice.

Maybe then, if the world knew what it meant, I would let you remove my _vallaslin_.

These centuries of suffering are part of us now, like the lines on my face. We are a different people now. I suppose that is why Solas said he felt little kinship for the modern elves. And, truly, if there were any chance of bringing my clan back, what lengths would I not go to?

I have to face the thought that if Solas stood before me, about to destroy the Veil, and I had an arrow aimed at his heart, I’m not sure I would loose it. There is still a part of me that suggests maybe he’s right, maybe the ancient elves should be restored. But there are so many things in this world worth protecting … A larger part of me simply refuses to kill him. If Cassandra stood there with her sword, I doubt she would hesitate. I wonder if I would stop her … Am I willing to watch Solas die to save the world? Am I willing to watch the world burn because I wouldn’t give up one person?

Perhaps I am not the person who should be leading the fight against him. Bull told me that the Qunari choose their leaders from those who can make the hard decisions. Perhaps I am not.  



End file.
